on finding my way

The last 10 days or so have been a bit of a whirlwind.

I’ve found myself in a difficult situation, not seeing my way clear of it.

When I am scared, confused, I am extremely vulnerable to criticism, which certain individuals in my life are always happy to dish out.

When I am weakened, I tend to agree with them, that I’m a horrible person, etc.

In any difficult situation, my initial response is to think my way out of it. I go into a kind of problem solving mode. Initially, the answers are never clear. Multiple options present themselves.

I probably should not share my ideas before I’ve achieved some clarity because they are not usually workable. But it’s all part of the way I think things through though.

In this active thinking phase, I also tend to seek advice, from friends, experts. It’s not that I’m seeking answers – I don’t think I’d ever do something that did not feel right, to me, just because some expert advised it. I’m in the habit of turning down good advice, in fact. But again, the consulting process helps me to think things through.

I only need a few days to consult and then I need to turn inward. If my friends (or worse, my family) persist in giving advice, I have to find a way to shut them up. It’s not that I don’t trust their intentions, I do, really, but I need the time alone to process things. This is very hard for some people to understand. They don’t realize that they can help me most by trusting me to work things out, all by myself.

Knowing other people trust me, to figure things out, helps me to trust myself. When other people worry about me, doubt my capacity, it makes everything worse.

Once in a while, however, I find myself at a complete loss, when even the next steps are not clear, and I’m in a dark, scary place for days. This is not a place I invite people, not because I don’t want company, but because I want silent company and I don’t know how to ask for it. Or, maybe, I don’t trust anyone to be with me while I’m in that place and not panic.

That’s where I was most of last week.

I often pray during these times, not to Jesus necessarily, or even to God. I simply open myself to receive. I don’t usually ask for anything in particular. I leave it to God, the universe, to discern what it is that I need.

(Prayer is also a way of feeling that silent supportive connection I long for at these times and this experience is grounding, centering.)

In my yoga practice last Tuesday, I set an intention, and I asked for guidance. I asked further that the guidance come from a source I could absolutely trust.

Over the next few days, in a confluence of events – finding the essays on “loving the mothers we are” and “accepting our mothering type” – a few conversations with my son – some research – the next steps became clearer. I pieced my plan together in final shavasana on Thursday morning. Felt an incredible peace about it all day.

By Friday I was really OK, ready for battle.